I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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