I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize