we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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