Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
