A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
