guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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