I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
