I'm so fucking centered right now
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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