His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
