So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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