I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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