$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
