Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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