Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Panties = found
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
