Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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