Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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