Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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