Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
