I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
