I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
