wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
one might say we're banned from that church
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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