Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
