i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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