I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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