I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my shit smells like andre
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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