If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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