Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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