i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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