Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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