I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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