I think im going to throw up on grandma
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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