and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
