Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
