i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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