One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
