I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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