chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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