thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
