not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
