1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
