glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
