Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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