and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I have aggressive nipples.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
