Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
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