dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
