I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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