i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
