We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
