roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
