I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
