Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
