I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
