coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
