That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He better not be in your backpack
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
