Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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