walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
