Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
