Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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