Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
