I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
