you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Randomize
