i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
