life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize