His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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